I've always said that your NFL team is like your girlfriend. You think all week about what you're going to to with your alone time on Sunday. Getting to see her on Monday nights means that she's special. Opening the season on Thursday night means that you've just had a good year. You work all week to save money to travel with her and if you see her and she disappoints you, you question your relationship. Your team's running backs are her breasts, the things that visually get the most play, and if they're big and move quickly, they're an asset. The wide receivers are her stomach, if their routes are crisp, they make everything look good, if not, nothing can ever look just right. On the flipside, her back is the defensive line, where an up-and-down rush is most coveted. Her legs are the linebackers, lean, fast, and thought by some to be better than any pair of running backs. Her butt is the combination of defensive backs, evenly distributing to cancel out a bad wide receiver group. Her hair is the special teams, the wild-card or the afterthought, although some coaches preach the importance of special teams. Her face is the offensive line, working always to protect the quarterback, which is her personality. Her parents are the coaches, and your girlfriend will be pretty to other men with or without you.
My team's, or girlfriend's personality unfortunately is Tony Romo, and that's only because I've always had the same girlfriend, disappointing as life with her has been for this common-law marriage. I've seen every snap that Tony Romo has taken in the NFL, including wild under- or over-thrown interceptions where his real girlfriend was shown on camera immediately after, multiple fumbles in single games, Favre-like meltdowns, losses where all of the opposing team's points were results of his turnovers, and fumbled holds that result in ended seasons and Bill Parcells quitting (again).
My estimation?
Tony Romo sucks. There is no player costing his team more points on a week-to-week basis. There are fifteen million problems with the Dallas Cowboys, and even more people out there who simply hate them, and right now, they're one of the five worst teams in the league. Their roster isn't very talented, and their coaches, from top to bottom are even less talented. Wholesale changes need to and will come, but right now, my girlfriend's personality is killing me, and you can see it all over her face. She's erratic. Everyone thinks she's pretty, and you know how a pretty girl's head can get when everyone out there thinks that everyone else likes her. She gets away with a lot from everyone because of how she looks when she's dressed up. Otherwise, she can't handle responsibility, to please me, to be faithful even to herself, to be a positive reflection of her parents, or to be someone I want to stay around. I liked her before people thought she was pretty, even back when we were both young and she was the cutest girl in school. But this personality she has now is hurting me and everyone around me. Now I find myself fantasizing about girls with even personalities. Now that's sexy-just let the whole package carry them through, I like that. They're not always the prettiest, but they win, and wins feel good.
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