I've long carried a theory that the fans of sports and it's teams and personalities differ in intelligence from region to region, and that I live in a region with fans on the lower end of that list. Still, dumb fans are everywhere: People in Florida think that Tim Tebow will be a relevant NFL quarterback. People in the Midwest would never suspect Albert Pujols of taking steroids. People everywhere hate certain teams because they win, or because referee's and officials blow calls in their favor. I've hated the Patriots since the 'Tuck Rule' game, and for that reason, I'm a dumb fan. Now, if you've decided to become a Patriots fan in that time, and you're say, thirty-eight years old, then you're also a dumb fan, who should go back to liking the 49ers. But there are ten basic types of dumb fans, and you may recognize some, or maybe one might read like a mirror.
The Casual Fan
This is the busiest and most common type of fan. These are people who, if they told it to you straight, have important things in their lives to care about, and that's why they can't they can't remember the MVP of the 1999 NLCS. They're committed to their careers and families, and they rarely know enough about any other subject to speak at length on it. They'd rather ask if you saw such-and-such game, let you talk about it, and gain the extent of their knowledge from you. They buy a jersey every few years, and they shy away from arguments with a smile and a change of the subject to something else in the newspaper, and everyone goes on with their lives.
The Drinking Fan
It's become an excuse when someone has something dumb to say and has included sports- "oh, he's drunk..." and everyone can laugh it off. But the true problem is that most of us drink to act the ways we want to act normally. So that means that guy who threw his beer on your eight year-old daughter's pink Drew Brees jersey on your family trip to Philadelphia, the first time you and your family could see your home town Saints since Hurricane Katrina took away your stability and banished you to your brother-in-law's garage in Morestown, New Jersey, that guy, he meant it, but didn't really. Gotta laugh it off. Gotta laugh off the 20 year-old girl in the bar with the Red Sox baby tee letting off lines of F-bombs at some guy with a yankee hat on who told her to shut up. They laugh it off, so do we. Intelligent fans also respect sports, and don't respect people who need alcohol to enjoy it.
The Blind Fan
These people are simple, they think they're team is good, better than yours in fact, and they have no real evidence to prove it. Really, they're just not interested in objectivity, and no, extreme optimism isn't objective. If their team can't actually elevate them above others they know, they will pretend, sometimes painfully.
The Rival Fan
These are people who are fans of teams because they're "tired" of their rival. I'd imagine that they also root for the underdogs in movies and grew up thinking that sometimes the guys with good personalities should get the girls. They hate the Yankees, the Patriots and the Lakers. They like gritty things, and things they think that the whole world likes the things and teams that win all the time. They never realize that they're the ones giving these things attention, and still giving teams like the Cowboys attention even though they've stopped winning. Most important though, their reason for liking their team is another team, and that's dumb.
The Franchise Fan
These are the polar opposite of the rival fans, and the people who the rival fans think are everywhere and everyone. They love the Lakers and Patriots. They love the Yankees and Cowboys because they used to be great. They're people from New Jersey who like the Detroit Red Wings. They're in love with a brand name. Many times they can be fed a name and a logo for years without the right amount of wins. They're waiting for their team to go back to their old style so that they can relive that era. They want Duke Basketball to play only white guys and the Pittsburgh Steelers to play solid defensive football forever, because like most others, they think that certain moments in sports are special to only them.
The Pride Fan
This is a person who still roots for their alma-mater because those athletes were students like they were. They root for boxers from their home country. Their favorite baseball team has a bunch of their countrymen on it. There is a cloud of bias and judgment over every opinion and argument. They are so much like the blind fan only they feel their reason is more legitimate, and even though it is to them, it still prevents them from possessing an intelligent opinion.
The Angry Fan
This is a person who really just needs to release anger. Their team's rival angers them, so do rival fans, so does the traffic on the highway on the way to the game and little children who stare too much. But what bothers them the most is the way their own team plays. They wish their team played better even when they win, and they're too angry within themselves when their team loses to allow their friends to poke fun at them because their team lost. They're bad company.
The Statistics Fan
This fan thinks that knowing all is right, and takes precedence over seeing all or understanding all. Yes, sports and numbers have a distinct relationship, one that helps everyone better understand the two, but sports is about outcomes and potential. It's about the feelings created and opinions. If the numbers really mattered, there would be no arguments.
The Highlight Fan
This is a person who obtains knowledge from highlight shows, just as those who say they follow politics watch Cable News. They know what the television has told them, and they get a repeated view of what the television has shown them. Beyond that, things like the score at the end of the third quarter or the balk that moved the go-ahead run to third base are a blur. Worse, it distorts their opinions of who's good or bad, or who might win or lose. A highlight is no more than that, a highlight. And if people only saw the highlights of your life, would they know what was really going on?
The Gossip Fan
These are people who don't actually care about sports, and how they're played, they care about athletes as celebrities. They would react to Roger Federer the same way on the street as they would on a tennis court during a match: with awe. They are people who are obsessed with the lives of those more priviledged, and they view Colin Farrell the way they do Alex Rodriguez, possibly because Alex Rodriguez is too boring for them as just a baseball player.
I've found out a lot about the sports world and myself while writing this, and I doubt I will continue to do some of the things I've always done, and I think I should be a better man for it.
